Learning Love and Acceptance through the Spirit Molecule
Learning Love and Acceptance through the Spirit Molecule
An Experience with 25mg of N, N-DMT
There is this saying I often hear, “The teacher will appear when the student is ready,” and it never had a significant impact on me. I always took it at face value. When you are ready to receive knowledge, and if you open yourself up enough, there will be someone who can pass along the message. That was until one fateful crisp November morning when I got an introduction that would forever impact the trajectory of my life.
Living in a small Northern Arizona mountain community, I met some of the best people that are still in my life. One person, in particular, will forever hold a special place in my heart. For anonymity’s sake, let’s call him Al. Al was a small town Colorado hippie who was attending school for chemistry. Aside from being one of the kindest and most generous people I have ever met, he was privy to a very special process that, at the time, seemed to me like magic…
That November morning, I awoke to the throb and sting that comes from a freshly torn heart. Days before, the girl of my dreams up and left– right after I helped move her and her stuff over 500 miles.
Shaking off this thought, I went outside into the frozen air in hopes it would cleanse the acrid taste of spite from my mouth. Looking out at the snow and forest, I took a long deep breath and attempted to steady myself. Then, as if on cue, my phone started buzzing. It was Al– a welcome distraction to be sure.
Opening the phone, I heard the best thing I could have at that point, “Hey, Kev. What are you up to?” Taking Al up on his offer, I got my stuff together, hopped in my car, and headed over to his place.
On arriving, I looked at my phone and saw I had a text from Al saying to just come in and that he would be in the kitchen. What I saw next, I’ll never forget. Al was peering into a deep freezer filled with dry ice. As the ice sublimated, billows of carbon dioxide flowed onto the floor, giving the impression of a wizard peering into his boiling cauldron. On noticing me, Al removed a Pyrex dish full of a transparent liquid, and a collection of light orange crystals grew on the bottom of the glass. I immediately knew what I was seeing; he was recrystallizing DMT.
After pouring off the liquid, I helped him retrieve the resulting crystals. Looking at the shimmer and shine, I felt a rising sense of elation as I realized that now was my chance–my chance to commune with the other realm. After weighing 25 mg, Al loaded it into a Vapor Genie pipe and told me to take an enormous hit, hold it, then take another if I could.
Sitting in a bean bag chair, I was handed the utensils. As the light from the flame danced and glittered in the reflection of the pipe, I took a huge slow draw, melting but not burning the DMT. My lungs filled with a thick vapor that tasted of burnt plastic.
A buzz began to build throughout my body. In a moment, my vision was overlaid with serpentine Egyptian-like patterns. I took another hit. With this, the buzzing became all-encompassing. I felt my sense of body fall away, and my field of vision was filled with an intense pallet of swirling colors.
As this pallet stretched out into a tunnel, far off in the distance, I noticed a figure standing across what seemed like the whole universe. She was looking towards me with love and open arms. A feeling of intense self-worth and love washed over me. The universe and I were communicating, not with words but instead with emotion. After one last look of love, I felt it was time to return to my body.
Upon my return, I learned something I have always known. I realized that I measure my worth by the value that others place on me. I began to sob. Learning something so jarring is a shock to the system, but it could not have come at a better time.
As mentioned earlier, I was heartbroken. It felt as if the forest of my heart had burnt down in a violent storm and it left me bitter and full of vitriol. During my DMT experience, I was able to let this go and felt assured of my worth. If the universe/creator/god loves me, I can love myself too.
For the next few days, I was riding high on the afterglow, which in the short run, helped me feel better and allowed me the mental space to honestly reflect on the experience. The more time I spent meditating on this crazy ride, the stronger my resolve became to accept myself and others. Love is indeed a power that can overcome the darkest winter of your soul.
This experience taught me two things: how to procure DMT and, more importantly, how to love genuinely without attachment.
This reminds me of a teaching I heard at the Self-Realization Fellowship:
”The problem is always that we mistake the idea of Love for Attachment”.
You know, we imagine that the grasping and clinging that we have in our relationships shows that we love. Whereas actually, it is just attachment that causes pain.
You know, because the more we grasp, the more we are afraid to lose, then, if we do lose, then, of course, we are going to suffer.”
As a child, this genuine love was something that came naturally to me, but over time, it became dulled and suppressed as I went through life. The more times I was hurt, whether it was romantic relationships that turned sour or my unrealistic expectations of how life should be, the more jaded I became, and the smaller my capacity for genuine love became.
DMT was the key to realizing that all this pain I felt came from my attachment to my relationships and the validation of others. I have often heard DMT called the Spirit Molecule. Now I know why! It was a key that unlocked the shackles of doubt and warped self-worth that kept me from truly and wholly loving myself and others. This experience allowed me to see past my hurt and overcome it through love. Now I can see myself with the love and kindness the universe showed me during my 15-minute peak behind the curtain of everyday reality.